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Humor

Cuneo: Statements more ludicrous than ‘Syracuse is in the Elite Eight’

Syracuse is in the Elite Eight. Syracuse is in the Elite Eight. Syracuse is in the Elite Eight.

Typing those words still doesn’t feel real to me, and yet I was definitely at Chuck’s, and Tyler Lydon definitely made that block and Ross Geller middle-fingered the whole state of Washington.

But it still doesn’t make any sense. Here are a bunch of statements that sound just as preposterous right now:

  • White people stop talking about “Hamilton.”
  • Leonardo DiCaprio gets married.
  • Haiti wins Rugby World Cup.
  • Twitter officially named the World’s Kindest Social Media Platform.
  • Boise, Idaho earns 2026 Olympic Bid.
  • Free Safety Susan Sarandon earns 5-year deal with the New Orleans Saints.
  • Ted Cruz admits having affairs with three of the four Teletubbies.
  • Big Sean legally changes his name to “Little Tony.”
  • Miley Cyrus legally changes her name to Hannah Montana.
  • “Batman vs. Superman” nominated for 11 Academy Awards.
  • France renounces wine and cheese as a cultural staple.
  • Mike Tyson performs open-heart surgery on Evander Holyfield, leaves ear in tact.
  • “When You Were Young” by the Killers named the national anthem of the United States.
  • 2Pac to release post mortem reggae album.
  • Quavo, Takeoff and Offset, or “Migos,” run 10 marathons in 10 days.
  • Drake retires his own emotions.
  • Lil’ Wayne and Birdman hold meeting to end their beef at Camp David.
  • Bernie Sanders named CEO of the biggest bank in the world.
  • Kanye West goes on Twitter rant about foreign policy.
  • NCAA decides to pay the players.
  • That album that people liked… turns out it’s not that good.
  • Christian Bale to star in gritty reboot of “Thomas the Tank Engine.”
  • Roger Goodell donates brain to science to prove he has CTE.
  • Jennifer Garner magically transforms into 13-year-old girl.
  • United States converts to the metric system.
  • George Washington resurrected, supports Donald Trump.





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