On Sunday, millions worldwide turned their eyes toward their phone screens. And when they looked up from those phone screens, they braced themselves for one of the most important cultural moments of early 2015. Katy Perry, for the first time in world history, performed a halftime show with two live sharks. There was also a football game.

The Daily Orange has penned me with the responsibility of recapping this halftime show for those who missed it, or those who have a vendetta against YouTube. But how can you review the “Interstellar” of halftime entertainment? Let’s jump in, but before I do, I want to be very clear with you.

Everything that I am telling you 100 percent happened and is real — I saw it with my own two eyes. I am retelling it to you as I saw it, and as millions saw it. If you didn’t see it, you’re just going to have to trust my journalistic integrity to be able to observe and report.

We open on Katy Perry in what can only be described as a Siegfried and Roy fever dream. Perry — with no previous lion-taming skill, I believe — is riding a mecha-Godzilla rendering of a lion, which carries her across the stage. I think the rest of the viewing audience can agree with me when I express great disappointment that the lion did not disintegrate into six Power Rangers — but there’s always next year.

All of a sudden the giant chessboard from “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” goes into a hypnotic trance, and a thousand Lady Gagas emerge dancing on it. Perry traverses the board and begins to sing yet another one of her hits, “Dark Horse.” The levels of disrespect by not including award winning rapper and life savant Juicy J in the presentation are mind-boggling.

I should also probably point out that she has been wearing an outfit resembling the side of a Hot Wheels car the entire time. The cartoonish flames made it almost like she was mocking what fire is. In any case, shout out to Hot Wheels.

Then a beat, and we are shown the “Hunger Games’” very own Lenny Kravitz playing a guitar solo. I had no idea Lenny Kravitz could do this, just another reason he is a Black-Jewish-American treasure. Perry continues to dance and later imitates the infamous Miley Cyrus grind on Robin Thicke, which gave me awkward-dancing PTSD — which all white people have. Perry goes on to bow down to Kravitz like Mike Myers in “Wayne’s World,” confirming the fact that Lenny Kravitz is our new God. Long live Lenny.

Then we are transported to an island in which Perry is appropriately dressed. The set features themes from a “Semi-Pro” pregame production. From here, Perry goes into “Teenage Dream” as dancing trees and sharks masquerade behind her. A brief transition into “California Gurls” is followed by a callback that trumps Beyoncé bringing out Destiny’s Child — Perry brings out the girls from the original Fanta commercial to sing along. Breathtaking.

Now the halftime goes into overdrive. We cut to a new stage, where a figure is presented as a silhouette. Well it turns out that silhouette is goddess and rapper Missy Elliott, who proceeds to set the world on fire with a rendition of “Get Ur Freak On” that could end world hunger. Did I get my nails done and my hair did after the show? Only my friends will tell you.

For some reason they kept the show going and didn’t call the fire department after Elliott had burned the stage to the ground with sheer hip-hop force. Instead, they used the flames to send Perry off on a rocket towards the top of the stadium. Katy did her best to cover James Franco and Kim Jong Un’s “Firework,” but that dynamic duo is the modern day Sonny and Cher. Perry was lifted to the sky by the “More You Know” NBC star. To close, the stadium erupts in fireworks like Heinz Field in “Dark Knight Rises”.

The song closes and our hero, Perry, is standing alone at the end of her journey. In her final moment of solitude, she conjures her inner Leonardo DiCaprio, screaming “God bless America” as if she was on the bow of the Titanic.

It was a lot to process. If you need a glass of water or need to re-read some of what I just retold, go ahead. But this all 100 percent happened. I swear. Oh, and the Patriots won.

Danny Cuneo is a junior television, radio and film major. He has watched a grand total of zero puppy bowls. His column runs every Thursday in Pulp. You can contact him at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on February 5, 2015 at 12:01 am